Intentional Isolation

"Tell me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are," has been a quote used many times to make us conscious of our decisions and the people we choose to surround ourselves with. 

I beg to counter, that there are some people who we are surrounded by on constant day-to-day basis that affect who we are, and we have no such power over. 

Let me explain. 

You see, there are places like home and work, family and co-workers, clients, and friends of friends, who at times, we will be in constant contact with, and yet, we have no power to change these people from being in our lives. 

People are all different, some positive, some negative, some fun, others dramatic and needy, and you, well you may be like me... just a little crazy with a little bit of all of the above! Ha!

It is true, in most cases, we all can choose who we have in our lives. 

However true that choice may be, there are toxic people around you every single day that you cannot control. The irate customer who lies to your face. The crazy cousin who never remembers you unless they need something. Or perhaps the annoying coworker who gripes about every facet of their job.

We all face these people, day in and day out. What holds true though, is your CHOICE. 

This isn't a choice about whether they will be in your life as a whole, but rather, of how you choose to allow them to conflict your mood, attitude, ambition, or drive. 

Choices.  Choices.

You and I are no different, we all have people we know who perhaps only bring negative or judgmental opinions to our lives. 

Friends who perhaps aren't conducive to who we are, or what we want to strive for to be. 

Friends that are essentially bad influences who lead you away from who you are. 

And yet, we continue to allow them into our lives. But what about when you get that from YOU. 

Yes... you. 

My isolation has been intentional. It works for me. 

I know people must think it selfish. That's quite alright with me. I haven't been selfish in a long time.

Quite honestly, the fact that my kind personality has gotten me nothing but heartache lately, simply reassures me that when I center myself and focus on my own selfish desires, I am making the better choice.

Because truly, I love to be social, I love to cultivate my relationships, and thrive on giving of myself to everyone. However, in my path to redemption for my past mistakes I forgot, that being overly kind, overly giving, has only caused me to forget about the most important person in this world... me.

Gasp, I know! That sounded self-centered and egotistical. 

And what have you SLM? What is Wrong With YOU! Your number one should always be your CHILD! Not YOU! 

Wrong.

We can agree to disagree, and you may judge me, and I quite honestly understand. I used to judge me too. 

You see, my intentional isolation is exactly for this reason. Judgment. 

I am my own worst critic. I always remind myself of how much more I could do for my daughter, my parents, my family, my friends. And yet, i always forget about me. 

And all of these people continue to judge me for my actions or lack of. Including me. 

We all have to stop at some point center our thoughts, meditate even. Accept who we are, and where we come from as part of what was once, but is no longer. 

Self acceptance is something that I have worked on for the past year consciously. It's taken me a while. I have cut many people out of my life. 

Today, I can honestly tell you, I feel like a better person. Not because I feel as though I am redeemed. Rather, because I have accepted that I have made mistakes and become a better person because of them. I accepted and forgive myself for hurting others when I was young and immature. 

I am by no means perfect, and on this quest of self acceptance, growth, and maturity. I continue to evaluate myself and hold myself to an honest standard. Not one of negativity, but of realism. 



A realistic understanding that I am who I am, came from where I came from, and am a better person because of it . I will continue to strive to be better so long as I am granted breathing consciousness. 

So I ask you. Are your friends, family, coworkers, or external people really a reflection of you. Or have you just not stopped to hold yourself accountable for the bully you may be to yourself? 

A reflective sunday at best.... Cheers-SLM

Latina on Fire

Have you ever seen a Latina on fire? 

Well, you are about to. 

You see, I always try to keep it classy. I always choose to take the high road in any and all situations. To be, that person that can walk around with her head held high in the air because there is no shame in my game. No shame, in my stance. But much more importantly, having the maturity to handle a situation with enough pause to know that reactionary and impulsive responses to less than deserving individuals isn't warranted. 

However, there are exceptions. Because you see, I will argue, that it is an absolute travesty, that some people can go around life, playing nothing more than a selfish role in life. That no matter what good they preach, what good they seem to portray, their true intents are never so serving. 

Because well really, I hate going in circles so I will have it out. Sr. ButtCrumbus is... 

You know what? I won't even go there!

Rather, I will explain the series of events that led me to this vent day. Because through my eyes, through my words, and my emotion, you will see how incredibly difficult this "friendship" has been. 

From the start, this friend of mine, was obviously more than that! The occasional and casual flirt on a photo here, a message there, let to full on hours long discussions and chats about life, love, and our pursuits. Our similarities and preferences undeniably alike, formed what would become the last 3+ months of which I will shortly share with you today. 

You see, Mr. Peppermint as I will call him for my own reasons... Never failed to have the right words. He was sweet, charming, and absolutely incredibly intelligent, the sexiest part if you ask me! Haha! 

And yet, there was a sort of constant inaccessibility factor for him. Always. 

When he came back to San Diego, it was me who was there to receive him. Bright eyed, ecstatic, and nervous beyond belief. Sitting in my car watching him float through airport pedestrian traffic, him. It was as if, time stopped the moment he was in sight. 

I remember dropping him off that day where he would be staying, and thinking nothing would ever come of this, of him with me, no... Us. So I set up a wall! I mean after all, he would be gone sooner than we would be able to even form anything! So there was no sense in getting any hopes up! "Might as well squash them now SLM" I would say to myself. 

I stayed on this track for the most part, with the resolve that I would enjoy whatever time I had with him. He was fun to be around. He was funny, and just got me, so why not? He was my FRIEND after all! 

So I continued to see him. 

And then, there were plans. And then, he wouldn't show. And then, a great night out. And then, another no show. And then came more plans! And then, the last no show! A trip to big bear, and nothing. 

I remember that day as if it was right now, in slow motion. That morning I woke up early. I got dressed and did my hair. He always said he loved my hair... And to surprise him, I had recently darkened it! Ughhh

I stopped for gas, made a stop at the tire shop (I wanted to make sure we would be safe), and then I called on arrival. One call, two calls, three. No answer? Hmmm that's odd! Checked my text messages... Last text message was last night at 9pm... "Can't wait for tomorrow" 

Hmmmmm

I remember time stopping. I called my BFF and asked what to do. She told me to stay positive and wait outside, then knock on the door. His blinds, closed. 

Ten, twenty, and then forty-five minutes later, I decided that was enough. I pulled out of my car, marched to the door and knocked. Nothing. Pushed a call button, and Manager shows up...

"Can I help you?"

"Hi! I'm looking for Mr. Peppermint? He is in this room up here?" pointing directly above me. 

The man asked me to wait as he went on to knock. He came back, and I knew from his face and tone that there was no luck. I walked away in disbelief... 

This hadn't been the first, not the second, but the third time he had let me down. I drove to the embarcadero... parked and took a deep breath which released weeks of frustration and confusion! Gahhhh! What the FUUUUUUU???? 

That day was brutal. Absolutely no other way to put it. I remember my friend asked me to meet her for lunch... And the whole time, I kept sifting through the events of the day... Stoic.

When I tell you that there were no words. I mean it. I had none. I couldn't understand how the same person who took me for a walk on the bluffs of La Jolla and Sushi dinner just days before, was the same person that had done this. How the person who did air guitars with me at karaoke, twirled and dipped me in a bar, and made me feel like I was the only person in the room, was the same person who at this point made me hurt the most. It was irreconcilable! 

I went on to find out, a family member had passed. And while I am not quite sure why a phone call wasn't even warranted, I excused it, and decided to proceed with even more caution. 

In the following weeks, things would almost get back to Normal. We would chat here and there, exchange I miss you's and wish you were here's, all with the promise that he would be back in a matter of weeks. 

He had finished his training (the reason for his San Diego trip) and would likely never return! I just kept it in the back of my mind. He may never come back. 

So my heart, kept hope.

My heart, is stupid. 

Today, is Saturday, January 26, 2013. 

On Thursday, Mr. Peppermint sent me the following via message on FB:

Now you will imagine my surprise... 

Mr. Peppermint had always joked that he wanted to marry me. But this was different. It read, felt, and sounded different. Unlike a joke. It wasn't followed by a Haha. There was no LOL to make me think otherwise... 

Suddenly all of the talks about us moving here, or moving there, or getting a ranch, all of it, flashed before me... Was he joking then!? 

OMG! 

I was smiling from ear to ear. Then I realized I knew better than to get all giddy. So I responded that I could hardly accept a Facebook proposal... And then it happened again... 

Silence. For over 24 hours. When he finally did respond, it was as if nothing had happened. It was random, odd, and quite honestly infuriating! I had spent all night wondering what would make him say/do this? Was he drunk? Was he being impulsive? Was he joking? Stupid joke if you ask me. 

I sent him a lengthy message explaining how all this hot cold action was really confusing and exhausting. How really, I didn't understand his intent, and more importantly, how I didn't deserve it. 

I have never done anything to warrant anything bad from him. In fact, I am pretty sure the opposite is true! When he was in SD and had no food, I was there with a plate or groceries. When he needed something, I was there. Perhaps this was my mistake. 

I asked him, no, begged him to be honest and not hold back. I asked him to tell me his thoughts on us just going our separate ways. 

No response. 

Its now Friday...imagine this

I am taking a break from being at the emergency room waiting to see my grandmother who was just transported to the hospital by ambulance.

I bring up Facebook to update my cousins on the matter and find that Mr. Peppermint was tagged by a woman noting that it had been "the best night with the best guy!" What the HELL? 

What's more, the comments! Comments talking about the beautiful and happy couple. Well! 

If I had ever been at a loss for words... This moment topped them. I laughed. Literally. Laughed, out loud, long and hard before coming to a stop on tears. Tears that wouldn't stop. 

Marry you? MARRY YOU? Does she know about me? Does she know that you just posted 27 love songs to my wall just three days ago? Does she know? 

WHAT

THE

FUCK! 

I usually keep this blog pretty swear word free but nothing explains this moment, but those three simple words. 

I need not tell you, I have still heard nothing... Well because, you already know. 

The things I know at this point, are that I deserve so much more. I am an amazing woman. I have more love to give than he was ready for, and more importantly,  this is his loss and not mine. 

Now I know, these are cheesy, almost expected lines to say. But you know what guys? They are true. 

This IS his loss.

He lost a person that would have never given up on him. 

He lost a person that believed him, no matter what. 

A person that trusted him whole heartedly and wanted only what was best for him. 

A person who loved him so much that she was willing to let him go, so that he could figure out what he wanted to do with his life.

Selflessness friends, doesn't always get you what you want. It definitely doesn't fight for you, or have your best interest in mind. 

But what it does have, is the innate ability to make you feel like you did your best. You gave of you, unselfishly, lovingly, and more importantly, without regard for your own heart. 

It was my fault.

I should have been less hopeful. But I choose to believe today, I choose to believe tomorrow, and some day, when the right man, of TRUE and honest values, comes along, I will know what true and mutual unconditional love is. 

Have a great weekend y'all! I am off to see my Abuela. 

Cheers- SLM :-*

In the Zone… the FRIEND ZONE.

It is a recognized fact that no matter which way you put it, they say that MEN, cannot be a real, unbiased, friend to a woman. That no matter what, at some point, that man, wanted to, wants to, or will want to, have something to do with that woman.

Men would argue that women are the ones that will always have "feelings". I would argue, that women are the ones most likely to leave someone in the friend zone, where they sometimes belong.

In fact, I recall not so long ago having seen a video blog on You Tube that asked this very same question.

Can men and women be simply friends, just like two men, or two women?  Here's the link, check it out for yourselves!

I can see why this dynamic could work! I mean, let’s think about this…. You are a single male, or a single female and are actively dating other people. Like the rest of us, you have questions about your interactions with any and all potentials. Your Opposite sex BFF can provide you with that alternative perspective that isn’t that of your gender specific limitation.

It works!

But what happens when in fact you do grow feelings for this person because they are in fact your "friend". You can be yourself around this person, and yet, you are just in the dreaded…

“FRIEND ZONE”

What to do? Don’t fret! You see the only problem here is hiding it! This is your friend after all. If you have started to have feelings for them, SAY SOMETHING! If you don’t you are just putting yourself in this random and awkward situation where you will have to  hide your emotions, feelings, and constant ardent admiration from afar as other people take a stab at what you know you could be doing better.

Why? Well because you know them. DUHHHHH

You already know what they want and don’t want. You have a hand up on the competition. You go YOU!

Well then there is the other friend zone. The one that doesn't start that way. The one that started as a influx of feelings that perhaps got iced for a myriad of other reasons. Whatever the case, you are now in an awkward "What are we Zone." Both of you is too scared to discuss it because the truth is, it just isn't an easy conversation to have. Someone on this boat just isn't cutting it, and is about to walk the plank.

If this is you, let me first say, I understand how you feel. I feel your pain, i feel your desperation.

Why? well because I am in this same scenario RIGHT NOW. I am in a friend zone with ButtCrumb. Sigh. I have tried it, going out on dates, shaking him out of my brain, all with failed success. I realize

I'm seeming like a joke right about now, right? Telling you just a couple of sentences ago how and what you should do if you are in the friend zone. But the truth is, I am only telling you what I would do. And I wouldn't be writing today, if I hadn't spoken up yet.

Ahhhhh I bet you didn't expect that did you! HAHA! Listen, this isn't about who they are, what they do to you, or how they make you feel. This is about what you are willing to accept.

So stop to ask yourself today. What do YOU want. Because we all have the ability to love.

Sure, love is different from relationship to relationship, but the pervasive selfless kind of love, that grows, and is humble, the good kind, that grows life long unions is one that is kind, patient, and loving... duh! HAHA!

No seriously though. In my case, I suppose I've chosen to just be me. And being me, means I have to do me. I will continue my life as it is. Busy, crazy, fun filled, and sometimes ever depressing, knowing that if he wanted me, he could have me. All I can do, is be me. 

If he likes me for me, wants me for me, he will make it happen, for us. 

Because truly, deep down inside, we all just want to be accepted for who we are and as we are. Sarcastic, witty, dorky, funny, silly, and sometimes downright air headed. No matter who you are, or what defines you, that friend is around because they enjoy YOU. So if they don't want to take that to the next level, that doesn't mean that someone else won't. So tell them how you feel! What do you risk? Love? Shame on you for not trying!

Cheers Friends! ~SLM

P.S. Just because your friend may not want you, doesn't mean your prince/princess isn't watching you smile ;) So shake it off, square off those shoulders and remember that you are perfectly imperfect just as you are, Today.

The Road I have Traveled

If the path you choose today determined the life you would have forever, would you still walk it?

It isn't an unreasonable question to ask. In fact, it is part of the many pointless truths I seek out of myself. Walking our path though, no matter at what speed, with what resolve, or intention, always leads us to segways, forks, pivots, choices.

So what if I have missed those segways that could lead me to achieve what I really hoped for, desired, and envisioned? The simple fact that I can sit here today and say that I am not happy with where my life is, is testament enough that this path is not what I wanted, so I clearly missed a turn somewhere! Darn it!  

Sooooo… I have this friend. I won’t give him a Mister name, because although I would more than love to cuddle, spoon, kiss, and consume this deliciously intelligent man, he isn’t on the same life path as I, and thus, not a viable Mister. So what sense in hope right?

You see, my friend, who we will call Butt Crumb for giggles, is an educator. His instinct, his gut, is leading him further and further away from here. He is a giver, and wants to teach others our Language. (now tell me you don’t just love him already! Haha)

We share a horoscope sign, and I can see SO many similarities in our personalities, that at times, it’s quite honestly, scary. Point is, I know his resolve. I know, that his heart is set on this path. He wants this, desires it, and is committed to making his dream a reality.

Courage.

I called it last night. I told him straight out that I envy that courage. The courage some people have to just get up, leave what they have, and start anew. I love change, if he knew how often I change jobs, he would understand where I likely satisfy this craving for change.

However, as we spoke, he mentioned the “Grass is Greener” syndrome when noting that at times, his friends envy his nomadic lifestyle of exploration and learning. This “Grass is Greener” topic has been one that I have touched upon many, many times in conversation with good friends. One that, quite honestly, I continue to find more and more troubling.

It is the premise of it. The premise, that no matter where we are in life, we will want more. That we will want something different because it is not what we currently have!

I personally call B.S. (I am trying to keep it PG-13) heehee

Seriously though? Married people, wish they were single. Single people wish they were married. Travelers wish they had a home. Those with steady homes, wish they could travel more. Really?

Friends, why must we choose?

So I will ask you again, if the path you chose today, determined the life you would have forever, would you still walk it?
Why can’t we attempt to have it all? Why should we limit the bounds by which we live our life to a categorical stereotype of what society thinks is appropriate?  

If you want to travel more, TRAVEL!

If you are married, look to all of you single friends, and remember how lonely you were BEFORE you got married.

Single people, your married friends wish they had enjoyed their single life more, instead of dwelling on who would come to sweep them away! Enjoy your singlehood while you still have it!

Because friends, we cannot continue to find dissatisfaction in our lives, based on the present. The life you choose today DOES NOT have to be the path you live forever.

The beauty of life, is that you really do have the opportunity to make of it what YOU want. So carpe diem the heck out of your days!

Go out today, and seize yourself a piece of your tomorrow, no matter what that looks like for you. And if you don’t know what that is just yet…. Well friends, join me, as I continue on this path of self discovery.

-Cheers~SLM

Silly Boys, I'm a mom, I dont play games...

Sometimes, there are times where I want to be a little girl. Seriously, just stomp my feet, pout, and cry.
It's my party and I'll cry if I want to dammit! Except, I know better. I know I shouldn't go there.

Because as we all know, I am a mature grown woman, mother of one, that just needs to hold it together. So I slip on my big girl panties, shake it off, and take a deep breath.

You see, in the past couple of weeks, everyone that has been someone in the past ohhhhh  10 years or so of my lovelife, has for one reason or another resurfaced. Giving me the unsettling dismay of remembering why they all fell apart. Peachy. :D

Now along with those messages, emails, texts, etc. were included a myriad of "I miss you's", "Not sure what I was thinking", and my all time favorite, "I am sorry. Hope you are ok"

I've moved on, why haven't they? Regret?

We all have it, that moment where we think, ohhhh that's the one that go away. Especially, when you are feeling lonely, sad, bitter, cynical, whatever it is.

I get it, I have had moments of weakeness myself.

But do you think, for one minute, that if things restarted they would be any different? Things fell apart because obviously something wasn't working. Communication is clearly one of them.

Communication, my dear friend, how you cause such havoc in relationships. Haha.

Seriously though guys, I know some of you read my blogs, and I know some of you will roll your eyes knowing that I am talking about you. However, if you had wanted me in your life right now, I would be.

Simply.

If you honestly felt that way, you wouldn't have lost me.

Really, things fell apart because that is the way life is. I was not meant for you, because I was meant for someone else, myself.

I am ok with that, you should be too. :)

With that, I will also go so far to say that being a "text buddy" isn't trying hard enough. All too often I get the incessant texting conversation and while I enjoy having friends in general, the last thing I need is to play games with someone that is half interested by only chosing to text me when they are bored.

Make time for me, and I will make time for you. Simple as that. Got it? Good. :)

I'm glad we could communicate openly! HAHA

-Cheers~ SLM

What’s meant to be, will be?

Prepare. This may be one of those posts that may cause you to think, what the heck is going on with her? LOL

Today, like many days, I feel introspective. Its my favorite thing to do. To reflect, analyze in seek truth in myself and the world around me. I see so many people float effortlessly through their monotonous days and as I have said before, this introspection keeps me accountable.

Last night, a sobering call brought some news to me about a friend my age. She called to tell me that a life threatening lump had been identified on the Month of Breast Cancer Awareness, coincidence? I think not.

Point is, as you know, this type of news never fails to make me really evaluate how truly blessed and lucky I am.

And yet, while I sit here and ponder on the many things I am blessed with and the things I so long for, I have to acknowledge that a huge part of that which is missing, and I have yet to accomplish, is my happily ever after.  You know exactly what I mean, to start the rest of life with someone.

However, as I think about it, I have to wonder whether that is just not in my destiny. All of my friends joke and say, SLM, there is NO WAY you will be single, you are too _______ (fill in the blank). All great things, and I thank all of them for thinking so kindly and highly of me. However, like my friend, she also though there was NO WAY she would ever get Cancer.

Her family, had no history. She, had no symptoms. Why?

If what is meant to be, will be, then what if destiny holds singlehood and this blog in the cards for the rest of my days? What if like her, I will be dealt a card I wasn’t expecting.

I just realized I am comparing singlehood to cancer. There is clearly no comparison. However, my intention is not to compare but just elaborate on how sometimes, destinies are determined by exterior forces. Forces, that are far beyond our control.

No matter how many dates, how much I “Put myself out there”, how much I try to be myself, marriage, more children, a life of couplehood may just not be a card that will be in my deck.

So, what to do now? Accept it? Move on? Keep the hope? Sighhhhhhhhhhhh.

Morose. Choleric. Blech.

~SLM

There she blows!

There she blows!

Friends, yes I said friends, most of you, my readers, are friends, and those that aren't, are friends now, because you all see so much of me through this medium. Today, I come to you, quite honestly just having to vent! 

It's been a number of days since I've been with you. Mostly, because I have been busy being "everything" again. It's so like me, to take on so much! Even after trying to find a way to reduce the amount of things I'm involved in, here I am, not having enough time in the day to do, and be, everything. Ughhhh

I've set priorities and #1 on my list, as always, is munchkin. This year she has started second grade and her teacher is not only incredible and awesome, she is also strict, and disciplined. She requires tons of homework from the children, all constructive, educational, and remarkably necessary when it comes to testing. My daughter will be facing 6 standardized tests this year. With a child who faces delays in terms of her speech and language, you can understand how a parent like me, would find this incredibly troubling. 

Recently, at my daughter's "Back To School Night", we covered the topics and tests which she would be facing. Among them, were things I don't remember covering until I was in fourth grade! (insert expletives!!!) 

I worry, as a parent and mother, about how this will affect my daughter when it comes to grade advancement and educational goals. The class objectives and topics all so far fetched and unrealistic for my daughter, that I wonder how as a full time working single mother with only half time custody during the week, I will ever manage to get my daughter there and on target. The summit is daunting, and quite honestly, disheartening. 

Added to that, is the new transition to a before an after school program for parents like me! Parents who work full time and are unable to drop off/pick up their children from school. Up until this year, my munchkin has always been cared for by my mother. Now that she isn't, my daughter is at school 10 hours a day. No joke. This saddens me. It is not what I planned, not what I would prefer, not how I saw my daughter being raised. When I pick her up, it's nearly 6pm.  We have three short hours together in which time we have to do homework, eat dinner and take showers. 

At times, I'm so glad I only have one child. 

This transition though, is hardly existent. Munchkin isn't doing well with waking up early. She isn't doing well in focusing on Homework, and she is refusing to go directly to the after school program by confusing office staff (she tells them I am picking her up).

She wants to be back at my moms house. I get it. However, being at the after school program also has its benefits! Among them, the opportunity for socio-development through her play with other children and homework help!

Yes! They help her with some homework! Which frees up some time for us at home! 

All in all, the morning program is what worries me. She isn't sleeping long enough, isn't waking up my happy munchkin anymore, and I'm the horrible mom that makes us do things we don't want to! 

So sue me! I want my three full hours with her to be MY time! Time I can just cuddle, play games, go to the park, enjoy! :-( 

When did our society become this evil monster against effective childhood bonding? Moreover, why is it so focused on getting our kids toward unattainable standards no matter what their limitations? 

I'm not expecting a pity party, or a wish for better times. This is life, for many people out there. The simple life of many years ago, times before TV's and  Computers,  Overtime and Overworked parents, seems so much more appealing as I age. 

Simple though, doesn't exist. Well at least not in the big crazy world that is Single Latina Mamahood.

-Cheers! ~SLM