Everyone's friend, Nobody's someone

Hi, my name is Claudia and I have a problem letting go of people.

It is something I know very well. I know where it comes from, I have known this for quite some time.

Losing your best friends early on in life, one in a car accident, another murdered.... well that certainly shapes the way you perceive the small things in life.

You see, for me, in the grand scheme of things, the minuscule things that happen in life, well, they are exactly that... minuscule.

To me, a person, no matter who they are, or were, in your life, served a purpose. Granted not all of them must continue in your life, but usually I feel, people change and grow, move on, and let go. Well except in my case.

Given the fact that I have this innate ability to see past it all, simply, for the sake of letting go of it all.  Well, that leads to all sorts of people coming back into my life from my inability to hold grudges.

No, really. To this day, there is only ONE person in my whole life that I can honestly say I would never allow back in my life. Even then, I maintain a peaceful relationship with this person, in order to maintain amicable dealings as sadly, I can't get rid of him.... no, I won't tell you who.

That being said, friends, ex-friends, ex-boyfriends, etc. All of them, if at some point came back and said "you know what SLM, I was in a bad place then, and it was an immature mistake",  I would at the very least allow them back in my life to some extent, even if just as an acquaintance.

Part of it I know, has to do with my inability to let go of people, the other part of it, is my promise to myself that I would never hold a grudge again.

When my BFF was murdered, we were not on speaking terms. I was upset with her for several reasons and irritated with her recent life decisions. I was judging her. You should judge no one. The guilt of never having forgiven her before she passed was something I have spent lots of time on psychologist's couches trying to overcome.

In my head, I kept thinking that if I had not been so stern, and more soft, perhaps I could have helped her in some way. This experience changed me. I know we all have them, life experiences that forever change us.

So when I look around my life now and I continue to wonder why people that were no good in my life, come back, I automatically give them the benefit of the doubt, and logic that they have realized that I was a good person in their life, or that they made a mistake.

I love it. To be honest with you. I love that people can grow and change, just like I did. That we can let go of animosity for the sake of living a life better spent on positivity and letting go of resentments. It truly is how things should be.

Live life freely and share that love with equal liberty.

I reflect at times and think myself silly really. I allow people back that truly, don't deserve to be. I know it. But I always rather be the better person, knowing that I did the right thing even if for a philosophy only I follow.

I don't care that everyone may not be this way. I like to be the exception. That I give too freely, yes, I do that too, but it is me, and some things should never change.

It's only when people don't learn that it hurts. I feel in some weird way responsible for their inability to grow. I suppose I expect that people will learn from their mistakes. That through our release of animosity and resentment, they will realize how life shouldn't be this way... and yet, as we all know, we can only control ourselves.

It's disheartening at times, to see people be so mean to each other, so vile, and so incredibly selfish. I guess we are all fighting our own growth struggle...

At some point I am sure it will all come to a balance, but for now, I continue to be everyone's friend, and nobody's someone.

I shouldn't care so much. Ugh.
~ Cheers-SLM