And yet, every single pluck of the string seems as though it resonates with every inch of pain that clouts me.
Yesterday, I spoke on the very reality of how amazing my life has been. It's important to focus on the positive.
The truth is, it has been absolutely magnificent, and this past Monday, it all catapulted into something I was sure I wouldn't experience again.
After a long day of work, dropping off the, then boyfriend at his mom's house, and returning home for some dreaded homework, I opened up my Facebook.
It had been months since I had a computer at home. Most of my updates were iPhone originated and so having a full screen was exciting. Except instead of a sign on screen, my boyfriends profile popped up and so did a message from a woman, almost instantaneously.
I have since grown up from my snooping days, but her message read flirty, and it stung.
I know I shouldn't have, and as my mouse's arrow scrolled over to the messages button I even questioned if I really wanted to know. The stress of it all swelled in my neck and upper back. The pressure was building and as I sat there for what seemed like forever, I decided, if there was nothing to hide, I would find nothing.
Big Mistake.
I sit here now, trying to make sense of it all in my head. What I read, what I saw, what I wish I could truly erase. At that moment, the shock of it all held me. Stoic.
What could I possible do? Confront him? Say something? And then what? Was this... it?
I read on, message after message with more than one woman. Please God, no. This isn't happening.
I searched the screen as though at some point I would see that the dates were old, that the messages were dated and I could find an excuse to make this justifiable, excusable, reasonable. Nothing.
The last message, September 3rd. Sigh.
I had prayed recently. I had asked God, that if he wasn't the man for me, to show me that he wasn't.
Here I was praying again for it all not to be true.
Had I excused the red flags?
Had I turned away from the likely signs?
The truth is, I tried with every ounce of my being to play fair.
I didn't question anything. I gave him his space. We are all adults after all. Aren't we?
Respect. I explained it many times to him. I explained that it was my one condition. Respect me, and all will be fine. But what bigger disrespect than to talk to, and court other women regardless of the medium.
I wish I could tell you that I am certain right now of how I feel about it all, but the closest resemblance to certainty I have at this moment, is the fact that I know that my baby is in bed, as I type away tears are swelling in my eyes.
99% of his belongings still sitting in my living room packed and ready to be thrown, burned, transported, god only knows.
What's more, I know that I've been so busy lately with school and work that the day sweeps by and then I am home, stoic, and recounting every single key stroke, every name, every conversation over and over again in my head.
My somewhat morose and candid posts on social media have given clue to my friends that things are off and so my closest friends continue to reach out and I, have... no... words. I just can't.
I wish I could be angry. I wish I could have the audacity to burn his belongings, and shred every single thing to pieces like he did to my heart. But I am not that person.
I am certain that like many other scorned women, I have a deep sense of loss and blame. I know you will argue that I have no reason to feel it, but I wasn't enough for him.
I gave him everything. I loved him.
Tuesday I woke up after two hours of sleep with eyes that looked like I had been punched. Tomorrow, will be the same. Nothing makeup and smile can't fix right?
No one, will have the words that will shake this from me. No one will bring me out of it. Only I can do that. I learned it through my divorce, I know it now. Friends and family can provide temporary distractions, but when the night falls there is no escaping your thoughts.
It's all part of the motions. This too shall pass I suppose.
And like so many of my friends say, it was better to find out now. Right?
Yes. I suppose. I could argue though... is there truly ever a good time to find out that someone isn't who you thought they were?
Is there ever a good time to realize that the person you love with every ounce in your being doesn't love you the same way back? I get it, I am being negative and emotional....
Hey! I am allowed to be, it has been two days.
The details of this relationship's demise will continue to stay between this person and myself. He won't be getting a "Mr." name either, some people don't deserve anything more from me.
I play fair, even when the cards aren't in my favor. Even when the other player cheats blatantly. I won't aim for revenge. I won't trash or sell his belongings. I won't buy in to the crazy ex-girlfriend stigma that some men constantly use to depict women in such a way that isn't truly accurate.
I will however, hold my head high knowing that I gave it my best shot.You will all say it is his loss, yet there are no winners here.
Facebook should have a relationship failure statistic. Seriously though, it might help to dissuade cheaters. Ha! Who am I kidding. Fools. All of you who do this.
Hell yeah I am bitter- deal with it.
Sweet Dreams ~ SLM
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