The Download (Part 2)

The strum of a single guitar soothes me now.

And yet, every single pluck of the string seems as though it resonates with every inch of pain that clouts me.

Yesterday, I spoke on the very reality of how amazing my life has been. It's important to focus on the positive.

The truth is, it has been absolutely magnificent, and this past Monday, it all catapulted into something I was sure I wouldn't experience again.

After a long day of work, dropping off the, then boyfriend at his mom's house, and returning home for some dreaded homework, I opened up my Facebook.

It had been months since I had a computer at home. Most of my updates were iPhone originated and so having a full screen was exciting. Except instead of a sign on screen, my boyfriends profile popped up and so did a message from a woman, almost instantaneously.

I have since grown up from my snooping days, but her message read flirty, and it stung.

I know I shouldn't have, and as my mouse's arrow scrolled over to the messages button I even questioned if I really wanted to know. The stress of it all swelled in my neck and upper back. The pressure was building and as I sat there for what seemed like forever, I decided, if there was nothing to hide, I would find nothing.

Big Mistake.

I sit here now, trying to make sense of it all in my head. What I read, what I saw, what I wish I could truly erase. At that moment, the shock of it all held me. Stoic.

What could I possible do? Confront him? Say something? And then what? Was this... it?

I read on, message after message with more than one woman. Please God, no. This isn't happening.

I searched the screen as though at some point I would see that the dates were old, that the messages were dated and I could find an excuse to make this justifiable, excusable, reasonable. Nothing.

The last message, September 3rd. Sigh.

I had prayed recently. I had asked God, that if he wasn't the man for me, to show me that he wasn't.

Here I was praying again for it all not to be true.

Had I excused the red flags?

Had I turned away from the likely signs?

The truth is, I tried with every ounce of my being to play fair.

I didn't question anything. I gave him his space. We are all adults after all. Aren't we?

Respect. I explained it many times to him. I explained that it was my one condition. Respect me, and all will be fine. But what bigger disrespect than to talk to, and court other women regardless of the medium.

I wish I could tell you that I am certain right now of how I feel about it all, but the closest resemblance to certainty I have at this moment, is the fact that I know that my baby is in bed, as I type away tears are swelling in my eyes.

99% of his belongings still sitting in my living room packed and ready to be thrown, burned, transported, god only knows.

What's more, I know that I've been so busy lately with school and work that the day sweeps by and then I am home, stoic, and recounting every single key stroke, every name, every conversation over and over again in my head.

My somewhat morose and candid posts on social media have given clue to my friends that things are off and so my closest friends continue to reach out and I, have... no... words. I just can't.

I wish I could be angry. I wish I could have the audacity to burn his belongings, and shred every single thing to pieces like he did to my heart. But I am not that person.

I am certain that like many other scorned women, I have a deep sense of loss and blame. I know you will argue that I have no reason to feel it, but I wasn't enough for him.

I gave him everything. I loved him.

Tuesday I woke up after two hours of sleep with eyes that looked like I had been punched. Tomorrow, will be the same. Nothing makeup and smile can't fix right?

No one, will have the words that will shake this from me. No one will bring me out of it. Only I can do that. I learned it through my divorce, I know it now. Friends and family can provide temporary distractions, but when the night falls there is no escaping your thoughts.

It's all part of the motions. This too shall pass I suppose.

And like so many of my friends say, it was better to find out now. Right?

Yes. I suppose. I could argue though... is there truly ever a good time to find out that someone isn't who you thought they were?

Is there ever a good time to realize that the person you love with every ounce in your being doesn't love you the same way back? I get it, I am being negative and emotional....

Hey! I am allowed to be, it has been two days.

The details of this relationship's demise will continue to stay between this person and myself. He won't be getting a "Mr." name either, some people don't deserve anything more from me.

I play fair, even when the cards aren't in my favor. Even when the other player cheats blatantly. I won't aim for revenge. I won't trash or sell his belongings. I won't buy in to the crazy ex-girlfriend stigma that some men constantly use to depict women in such a way that isn't truly accurate.

I will however, hold my head high knowing that I gave it my best shot.

You will all say it is his loss, yet there are no winners here.

Facebook should have a relationship failure statistic. Seriously though, it might help to dissuade cheaters. Ha! Who am I kidding. Fools. All of you who do this.

Hell yeah I am bitter- deal with it.

Sweet Dreams ~ SLM

I chose the Road walked both ways…

When don’t I keep it real? Are you ready? No, really?...

It is growing to be quite an annoying conversation truly… the one where friends, family, and acquaintances feel the incessant need to “call me out” on me being MIA (missing in action).

I warned everyone, I did.

Life, has been crazy. It is.

More importantly, I have finally been doing what you all, always do. Live life.

It struck me only recently, that the same people who get upset that I am no longer reaching out to, are the same people who usually were too busy to hang out, call me, or schedule anything outside of the ideas I threw out.

The difference here though is, I am not resentful. I understand that life is life. I understand that you have children, a job, a relationship, and GASP… Other friends. Haha sorry… I had to…

I would think, that knowing me, you all would know that I believe that everyone should be a friend. We all don’t know who needs us, could need us, or may need us at one point.

The truth is, I actually believe in community.

So while some people, lavish in their exclusive friendships, and the secrecy and anonymity of their lives.

I thrive on meeting new people, with new perspectives, and creative ideas. I thrive on exposing myself to other viewpoints that allow me to grow as a human being. I choose to blow my mind way open beyond the confines of what society dictates my life should be.

Woah… stuff just got deep.

I mean truly people. You are ALL special to me. There is absolutely no one else like YOU! Really!  

I have a friend in Temecula, whom I share only mommy texts with, another friend with my exact same birthday that understands my every weakness and dating war stories, another who only recently became my friend and in one month is like my sister, well more like beester! HAHA! (Sorry inside joke).   

You see, my point is, I need not define every friendship. These girls all know I am busy and love them very much. They all know that even if I don’t call, it doesn’t mean I don’t love them, it just means I am busy.

They all are special to me, they all have a perspective I can’t live without, and I am sure, that the same stands for you, yes YOU, the person reading this blog. Those perspectives are crucial to my existence in growth, which in turn makes you, yes you, crucial to my existence. Have I made myself clear?

In my eyes, a true friend doesn’t keep count of how many times we call, how many times I do things for them or they do for me, we are just friends, and that is that.

My true friends,  know my social butterfly self. They will understand that it’s the very reason I met them, because all of my friends have likely worked with me, been a partner in an event with me, or simply met me along the way of this beautiful life we live.

I sure hope we could all just share it without a dreaded count of how many times one of us walked the road this way, or that. Because after all, it does go both ways. Truth.

-Cheers ~SLM

Como Novia de Rancho

As everyone gears up for the Valentine’s weekend, some hearts are content, some are excited, others are bitter and filled with sorrow, and mine, well, mine was hopeful.

Hopeful, because I was finally going to get to spend some time with the elusive, Mr. Scubaman.

He had me swooning weeks for him with his funny rhetoric, infallible sweetness and charm, and honesty and humility. Yeah ok, so the guy worked me up a bit, and I was clearly very hopeful about this one.

And then it happened! I was rushing back to my mom’s, bag full of clothes for my daughter in hand, all done up, ready to go, cute boots, purple sweater dress, soft perfume grazing my skin just enough to ensure he didn’t forget me, and my phone goes off.

As I turned to look at the text message and his name came across my iPhone screen, I was sure that the purpose of his text was to gain my address since it was already 30-40 minutes from our previously agreed upon pick up time. Instead as my finger slid swiftly across the screen and revealed his text, my heart dropped.

Childcare issues had changed last minute and he wasn’t coming. He wasn’t coming. I stared at my screen in shock and dismayed. My heart had stopped, I was SURE of it! I tried to breathe, but my chest hurt. Literally.

I read the text over and over again, as if it was going to change… but it didn’t. I finally was able to think and all that came out of my mouth was “OH MY GOD”. I kept repeating it over and over again. If it weren’t for the simple fact that a car beeped at me since my car door was still flung open, I might have not snapped out of that moment.

I know this sounds a tad dramatic, but I swear to you, it was as if time stopped. I responded “OMG” and couldn’t help but tear up. Mr. Scubaman had been texting and emailing me ALL DAMN WEEK about this day. We had talked about how excited we both were and now there I was, sitting in my mom’s truck, in the dark, looking at my iPhone screen, stoic and in tears.

I know that for someone that in reality I have only just started things out with, I shouldn’t have been so upset. But the truth is, I hadn’t had a Valentine in God knows how many years, and quite honestly, I was really excited to finally spend time with him. I really, REALLY,  like him.

I started the car figuring I might as well make my way to my moms and decide what I would do with my night. Just then, Mr. Scubaman, sends a text message continuing to apologize profusely for what had just happened, his tone was different, and I could tell he was annoyed, irritated, and upset.

Later that night, he called me. I was at a nearby restaurant with my mom picking up dinner. He started to apologize and explain, I… had no words. I was so hurt, I started to talk, to interrupt him, but felt the knot of tears in my throat and stopped myself.  He said “Hello” making sure I was still on the phone. I was THAT silent. He bid adieux apologizing for the 50^th time in a 2 minute call, and it was done.

At that point, I just needed to snap out of it. I walked back in the restaurant and texted my best friend asking her to come by for a chat. She couldn’t believe he had cancelled and in less than 15 minutes my BFF was there listening to me vent about how dumbfounded I was. At times, just sitting in silence with me as I worked through it, over and over in my head.

We both speculated on the why’s and alternative options of the night, with what little information we had, but the fact came back to one resounding principal. Why had I given myself so much hope? Why was I giving this that much weight?

Well let me tell you what we came up with… Firstly, it’s the principal of it. A lot goes on behind the scenes for any person with a commitment for a date, all the more for a single mom to get away on a weekend where she has her daughter. Did I fail to mention that? This was my weekend with my daughter. I had asked my parents to change their Friday night plans, so that I could be with Mr. Scubaman! I had shifted things, asked for rides, rushed home, gotten ready, picked up my daughter, shuffled her around until we were set, and just as I was about to close up the night to just wait for my elusive Valentine, he had cancelled.

It felt as though all that sacrifice, all that shuffling, all of that, for him, had just been wasted. It was the principal that my time was important, and for that split second, it was all wasted time.

Being “Stood Up” or “Cancelled on” last minute is as exciting as root canal on an infected Molar. While I have since decided to move past this cancellation of sorts, because well the truth is, some things are beyond your control, and this definitely was beyond his. I have to wonder how much damage was really done to his number of brownie points. We all deserve second chances, he will get his.

Until said redemption happens, Mr. Scubaman is on a reduced hope diet. My hopes are no longer out of control. My feet are more firmly planted... a good thing perhaps? Who friggin knows – Cheers!

~ A Disappointed SLM

Santa you forgot the Bieber!

Is anyone else feeling as violated by the Holiday Madness? I mean, although I tried my best to ensure that I took things in stride and made sure that I crossed my T’s and dotted my I’s, the fact is, I just went through all the motions and managed to get through it like in years past, just barely!

This year, like the last, I was broke. Now, I clearly don’t mean poverty broke, but if it hadn’t been for the fact that my roommate is letting me borrow her car, and thus I don’t have a rental car payment, there might have been no Christmas for anyone other than my munchkin, really!

We celebrate Christmas and this year, munchkin wasn’t happy that Santa didn’t bring her a bike or a Justin Bieber doll. I have a 6 year old for goodness sakes! I refuse to be sucked into the Disney vortex of teen pop! GRRRRRRRRRR!!!  

We are all adults in my family really, and we all know that even if I hadn’t bought everyone something, well it would have been fine. But you know how it is, you want to make sure that in small token you recognize all that people have given you throughout the year, whether that may be, friendship, emotional stability, or my all-time favorite, judgmental criticism! J

Because well I mean, at least from my family, most of the time, my “support” sometimes comes by way of telling me how I could have done things better. Hey I’m here and a better person right!? That criticism must have helped in some way… I think. Haha!

So after an unproductive Holiday season, I would just like to say, I HATE being unable to purchase everyone I would have liked to, a small token of appreciation. I am such a giver and it sucks not to give.

While I hate resolutions, this year, I want to do a better job of letting people know how much they mean to me, because well quite honestly, can you ever really do that enough?

I hope you all had a fabulous holiday season no matter what you celebrated. Thank you for reading and I promise to give you more this year! Now back to reality, whatever that is…