The Road I have Traveled

If the path you choose today determined the life you would have forever, would you still walk it?

It isn't an unreasonable question to ask. In fact, it is part of the many pointless truths I seek out of myself. Walking our path though, no matter at what speed, with what resolve, or intention, always leads us to segways, forks, pivots, choices.

So what if I have missed those segways that could lead me to achieve what I really hoped for, desired, and envisioned? The simple fact that I can sit here today and say that I am not happy with where my life is, is testament enough that this path is not what I wanted, so I clearly missed a turn somewhere! Darn it!  

Sooooo… I have this friend. I won’t give him a Mister name, because although I would more than love to cuddle, spoon, kiss, and consume this deliciously intelligent man, he isn’t on the same life path as I, and thus, not a viable Mister. So what sense in hope right?

You see, my friend, who we will call Butt Crumb for giggles, is an educator. His instinct, his gut, is leading him further and further away from here. He is a giver, and wants to teach others our Language. (now tell me you don’t just love him already! Haha)

We share a horoscope sign, and I can see SO many similarities in our personalities, that at times, it’s quite honestly, scary. Point is, I know his resolve. I know, that his heart is set on this path. He wants this, desires it, and is committed to making his dream a reality.

Courage.

I called it last night. I told him straight out that I envy that courage. The courage some people have to just get up, leave what they have, and start anew. I love change, if he knew how often I change jobs, he would understand where I likely satisfy this craving for change.

However, as we spoke, he mentioned the “Grass is Greener” syndrome when noting that at times, his friends envy his nomadic lifestyle of exploration and learning. This “Grass is Greener” topic has been one that I have touched upon many, many times in conversation with good friends. One that, quite honestly, I continue to find more and more troubling.

It is the premise of it. The premise, that no matter where we are in life, we will want more. That we will want something different because it is not what we currently have!

I personally call B.S. (I am trying to keep it PG-13) heehee

Seriously though? Married people, wish they were single. Single people wish they were married. Travelers wish they had a home. Those with steady homes, wish they could travel more. Really?

Friends, why must we choose?

So I will ask you again, if the path you chose today, determined the life you would have forever, would you still walk it?
Why can’t we attempt to have it all? Why should we limit the bounds by which we live our life to a categorical stereotype of what society thinks is appropriate?  

If you want to travel more, TRAVEL!

If you are married, look to all of you single friends, and remember how lonely you were BEFORE you got married.

Single people, your married friends wish they had enjoyed their single life more, instead of dwelling on who would come to sweep them away! Enjoy your singlehood while you still have it!

Because friends, we cannot continue to find dissatisfaction in our lives, based on the present. The life you choose today DOES NOT have to be the path you live forever.

The beauty of life, is that you really do have the opportunity to make of it what YOU want. So carpe diem the heck out of your days!

Go out today, and seize yourself a piece of your tomorrow, no matter what that looks like for you. And if you don’t know what that is just yet…. Well friends, join me, as I continue on this path of self discovery.

-Cheers~SLM

Silly Boys, I'm a mom, I dont play games...

Sometimes, there are times where I want to be a little girl. Seriously, just stomp my feet, pout, and cry.
It's my party and I'll cry if I want to dammit! Except, I know better. I know I shouldn't go there.

Because as we all know, I am a mature grown woman, mother of one, that just needs to hold it together. So I slip on my big girl panties, shake it off, and take a deep breath.

You see, in the past couple of weeks, everyone that has been someone in the past ohhhhh  10 years or so of my lovelife, has for one reason or another resurfaced. Giving me the unsettling dismay of remembering why they all fell apart. Peachy. :D

Now along with those messages, emails, texts, etc. were included a myriad of "I miss you's", "Not sure what I was thinking", and my all time favorite, "I am sorry. Hope you are ok"

I've moved on, why haven't they? Regret?

We all have it, that moment where we think, ohhhh that's the one that go away. Especially, when you are feeling lonely, sad, bitter, cynical, whatever it is.

I get it, I have had moments of weakeness myself.

But do you think, for one minute, that if things restarted they would be any different? Things fell apart because obviously something wasn't working. Communication is clearly one of them.

Communication, my dear friend, how you cause such havoc in relationships. Haha.

Seriously though guys, I know some of you read my blogs, and I know some of you will roll your eyes knowing that I am talking about you. However, if you had wanted me in your life right now, I would be.

Simply.

If you honestly felt that way, you wouldn't have lost me.

Really, things fell apart because that is the way life is. I was not meant for you, because I was meant for someone else, myself.

I am ok with that, you should be too. :)

With that, I will also go so far to say that being a "text buddy" isn't trying hard enough. All too often I get the incessant texting conversation and while I enjoy having friends in general, the last thing I need is to play games with someone that is half interested by only chosing to text me when they are bored.

Make time for me, and I will make time for you. Simple as that. Got it? Good. :)

I'm glad we could communicate openly! HAHA

-Cheers~ SLM

What’s meant to be, will be?

Prepare. This may be one of those posts that may cause you to think, what the heck is going on with her? LOL

Today, like many days, I feel introspective. Its my favorite thing to do. To reflect, analyze in seek truth in myself and the world around me. I see so many people float effortlessly through their monotonous days and as I have said before, this introspection keeps me accountable.

Last night, a sobering call brought some news to me about a friend my age. She called to tell me that a life threatening lump had been identified on the Month of Breast Cancer Awareness, coincidence? I think not.

Point is, as you know, this type of news never fails to make me really evaluate how truly blessed and lucky I am.

And yet, while I sit here and ponder on the many things I am blessed with and the things I so long for, I have to acknowledge that a huge part of that which is missing, and I have yet to accomplish, is my happily ever after.  You know exactly what I mean, to start the rest of life with someone.

However, as I think about it, I have to wonder whether that is just not in my destiny. All of my friends joke and say, SLM, there is NO WAY you will be single, you are too _______ (fill in the blank). All great things, and I thank all of them for thinking so kindly and highly of me. However, like my friend, she also though there was NO WAY she would ever get Cancer.

Her family, had no history. She, had no symptoms. Why?

If what is meant to be, will be, then what if destiny holds singlehood and this blog in the cards for the rest of my days? What if like her, I will be dealt a card I wasn’t expecting.

I just realized I am comparing singlehood to cancer. There is clearly no comparison. However, my intention is not to compare but just elaborate on how sometimes, destinies are determined by exterior forces. Forces, that are far beyond our control.

No matter how many dates, how much I “Put myself out there”, how much I try to be myself, marriage, more children, a life of couplehood may just not be a card that will be in my deck.

So, what to do now? Accept it? Move on? Keep the hope? Sighhhhhhhhhhhh.

Morose. Choleric. Blech.

~SLM

There she blows!

There she blows!

Friends, yes I said friends, most of you, my readers, are friends, and those that aren't, are friends now, because you all see so much of me through this medium. Today, I come to you, quite honestly just having to vent! 

It's been a number of days since I've been with you. Mostly, because I have been busy being "everything" again. It's so like me, to take on so much! Even after trying to find a way to reduce the amount of things I'm involved in, here I am, not having enough time in the day to do, and be, everything. Ughhhh

I've set priorities and #1 on my list, as always, is munchkin. This year she has started second grade and her teacher is not only incredible and awesome, she is also strict, and disciplined. She requires tons of homework from the children, all constructive, educational, and remarkably necessary when it comes to testing. My daughter will be facing 6 standardized tests this year. With a child who faces delays in terms of her speech and language, you can understand how a parent like me, would find this incredibly troubling. 

Recently, at my daughter's "Back To School Night", we covered the topics and tests which she would be facing. Among them, were things I don't remember covering until I was in fourth grade! (insert expletives!!!) 

I worry, as a parent and mother, about how this will affect my daughter when it comes to grade advancement and educational goals. The class objectives and topics all so far fetched and unrealistic for my daughter, that I wonder how as a full time working single mother with only half time custody during the week, I will ever manage to get my daughter there and on target. The summit is daunting, and quite honestly, disheartening. 

Added to that, is the new transition to a before an after school program for parents like me! Parents who work full time and are unable to drop off/pick up their children from school. Up until this year, my munchkin has always been cared for by my mother. Now that she isn't, my daughter is at school 10 hours a day. No joke. This saddens me. It is not what I planned, not what I would prefer, not how I saw my daughter being raised. When I pick her up, it's nearly 6pm.  We have three short hours together in which time we have to do homework, eat dinner and take showers. 

At times, I'm so glad I only have one child. 

This transition though, is hardly existent. Munchkin isn't doing well with waking up early. She isn't doing well in focusing on Homework, and she is refusing to go directly to the after school program by confusing office staff (she tells them I am picking her up).

She wants to be back at my moms house. I get it. However, being at the after school program also has its benefits! Among them, the opportunity for socio-development through her play with other children and homework help!

Yes! They help her with some homework! Which frees up some time for us at home! 

All in all, the morning program is what worries me. She isn't sleeping long enough, isn't waking up my happy munchkin anymore, and I'm the horrible mom that makes us do things we don't want to! 

So sue me! I want my three full hours with her to be MY time! Time I can just cuddle, play games, go to the park, enjoy! :-( 

When did our society become this evil monster against effective childhood bonding? Moreover, why is it so focused on getting our kids toward unattainable standards no matter what their limitations? 

I'm not expecting a pity party, or a wish for better times. This is life, for many people out there. The simple life of many years ago, times before TV's and  Computers,  Overtime and Overworked parents, seems so much more appealing as I age. 

Simple though, doesn't exist. Well at least not in the big crazy world that is Single Latina Mamahood.

-Cheers! ~SLM