The Answer to my Equation

I am literally in physical pain right now. My hip feels disjointed. My body feels worthy of an 80 year old's weathered physique and I, am grateful for the pain. 

While it may seem idiotic... it's 100% true. 

You see this pain I feel is due to hours of joyful dancing. This weekend was a fun filled one and for someone who works this hard, you better believe I will play hard just as well. 

SLM and My Pops

I misbehaved, drank in excess, danced till my legs couldn't any more and stayed up till the sun rose... and I don't regret one bit of it.

You see, as reckless as that all may seem, this weekend was exactly what I needed. The ability to disconnect from my daily stressors and the ability to fully unwind and enjoy my friends and family. 

My Parents

Lately it seems, family is my escape. It is usually the other way around... you get closer to your friends, but for me, my liberty has come by way of being around my family. 

You see, in my case I know there were many things I needed to forgive myself for. Things that I said and did to my parents that hurt them. In order to move forward, I needed to prove to myself that I had forgiven myself. The only way to solve this problem was to prove it to myself. 

My way of doing that was to find my inner peace. 

Last year, I was given a very humbling diagnosis just before thanksgiving. It was another reminder that life, is not guaranteed. It was yet another moment in life that made me accountable for all my actions. 

I remember crying for nights on end attempting to face my fate. 

Since then, the only thing that changed though as I reflect has been my perspective. Like a course right out of my recent History of Philosophy class, I was given a first hand lesson in perspective and objective reasoning. 

You see when you are handed something so humbling, so absolutely mind blowing, you realize how the simplest things are amazing. 

Feeling the sun's warmth, a hug from you daughter, a moment around the bonfire with your parents, a hug, a kiss, and yes even sex. All of it. It all changes. 

So I made the conscious decision to focus on the one thing I've known I have wanted to do with my life. Leave a legacy. 

So I got to work, hard work. Putting forward hours and more hours, effort and passion, all of me drowned into what I want to build. Even if I am not granted the time to achieve it. I will be dammed if I don't try, if I don't work my heart out to get what I want. 

Since then, things have started to look up for this Single Latina Mama. With it, my spirits, finances, and self esteem have also grown. I have known that I will forever grow and change, but 2014 has been a year of demonstrable growth. 

I have made changes that even I can't believe I could make. I have finally truly taken on the perspective that no one that doesn't care about me matters, and that to make something of this borrowed time, I must charge forward unfailingly and without remorse. 

It is not the end of the year, but as I chronicle my half way point through the year.... strength, purpose, and willpower have all been the way through it, and the way upward. 

Here is to living without regrets. - 

Cheers~ SLM

The Day Off

Today was a much needed day off.

I planned ahead to ensure my very important personal matters were taken care of.

There were many of them... and as the day dragged on, it was evident, my ambitious list of errands to run was more far fetched than realistic.

For starters, I wanted to get some sleep. It is unusual I know, to say that. I need to schedule time off to get some sleep. You see, it has been a critical past couple of weeks. Even on weekends, when I should have time time off to relax, I am usually running around doing things or being places, enjoying environments.

I don't even really have more than 6 hours of sleep. Not consciously. So I did it. I slept in. Well, sort of. I dropped off munchkin at school and then came back for a morning nap. It was lovely. I woke up well rested and followed that with meditation. Sighhhhh this day couldn't get better.

Until! OH NO! Am I late? OMG I am late! I had a 12:00 Noon appt and it was 11:16 am. I needed to get dressed and get out the door!

The rest of the day was a whirlwind, driving here, driving there, driving everywhere it seemed to get all of my neglected personal affairs taken care of.

The court house, yes, I had to go there too. A family affair, but a court house visit, nonetheless. It was mentally, emotionally, and physically draining. It was a balmy 90 degrees by the coast and the breeze was more of a reminder of the heat than the hopeful cool relief I so very much longed for.

Passion, the lost concept.

Today, I want you to stop think about something with me.

I mean... REALLY stop to think about this with nothing but honesty in your heart....

What are you passionate about?

You don't have to share your answer. We aren't on trial. No one will judge you for your passion, regardless of how selfish or selfless it is.

In seeking my truth lately, I have focused on finding what I am truly passionate about.

I have come to the conclusion that I am more passionate than I originally estimated. You see, while I seek to ensure my thoughts are where they should be, and that my life is purposeful and heading in the right direction, I find it imperative to disassociate myself with thoughts that could stray me from my goals. Thus, I focus. I remain steadfast on my endeavor to identify my truths which among these are my passions.

So have you thought of it? Take a moment now... I am not going anywhere, and neither is this blog. Truly stop to think what are the things in life you are most passionate about?

Are you passionate about your work? Your family? Your love life?

Are you passionate about yourself? The way you look? The way you dress?

What are you passionate about?

On one hand, I think it would be almost cliche to tell you that I am passionate about life. But I truly am. I am passionate about making a good life and living it.

I am passionate more though, to ensure that I provide my daughter with a good upbringing and keep us moving onward and upward.

I am passionate about school and learning. It truly exhilarates me and inspires me.

I am passionate about giving. I am passionate about caring about people. I am passionate about sharing those beliefs with others and teaching them to love openly and unconditionally.

I am passionate about being honest. Perhaps its because at some points in my life I rarely was.

Lastly, I am passionate about finding someone who is a excited about life as I am. I am passionate about upholding this belief without pretext or negotiation. A passionate person can only be passionate with another equally passionate soul.

Most of my passions now, come from experience. I presume the same holds true for you? Do you agree?

Care to share some of your passions? So tell me.. what are you passionate about?

-Cheers~ SLM

Tenacity vs. Necessity

"I'm jealous of your Tenacity…" my friend Stevie P said to me tonight. "It’s funny when people say that," I responded.

I am sure that he was saying this because, of course, he knows how hard things can get sometimes with being a single parent.

Life. Is. Hectic.

Every day though, most of us, from all walks of life, spend our days busy as can be. We all wake up, make our bed, brush our teeth, get dressed, go to work, have lunch, keep working, drive home in traffic, make dinner, brush teeth, get ready for bed, and rinse and repeat on that for days on end.

Regardless of our different circumstances the fact is, we all have a number of varied responsibilities. Whether it’s to a pet at home, a family, a spouse, children, or an elderly parent, we all have something making it hectic. Even if you are one of the lucky few that don't have any of the aforementioned, most of the time, you have busy work lives that keep you busy well beyond the time most of us have gone home.

My point to him was not to be unappreciative. In fact, I thanked him for the kind comment, and empathy. It is nice to be seen as someone who tries hard to do what they do.

However, part of me felt that it was an unwarranted compliment. You see, to me, being how I am now, and have always been is what I know, and honestly, what must be done.

This is my life. It is what I HAVE to do. It is on par with all of YOUR days. We must all DO certain things to pay the bills, have a roof over our heads, keep healthy, keep food in our bellies and keep life well, plugging along. Please tell me you are following…

So I ask is it tenacity or necessity?

While you may not all be a single parent, that doesn’t make my situation any more hectic, any more detrimental or important. It is just different.

We all have struggles. My struggle may be harder because I am a single parent, but I assure you there are single parents out there with far more kids than my one. I am sure they struggle as well, and maybe not as much, or maybe more, but definitely different.

I guess what I am trying to say is, while its wonderful that Stevie P felt compelled to compliment me on my ability to keep it together, I want you all to know that I don’t see it that way. This is simply, the cards I have been dealt. This is my life. I love it, even as crazy as it can get.

While I may wish for an easier life at some point, I have to keep myself grounded and remind myself that life won’t be easier, but it will definitely be different.

~Cheers-SLM 

Everyone's friend, Nobody's someone

Hi, my name is Claudia and I have a problem letting go of people.

It is something I know very well. I know where it comes from, I have known this for quite some time.

Losing your best friends early on in life, one in a car accident, another murdered.... well that certainly shapes the way you perceive the small things in life.

You see, for me, in the grand scheme of things, the minuscule things that happen in life, well, they are exactly that... minuscule.

To me, a person, no matter who they are, or were, in your life, served a purpose. Granted not all of them must continue in your life, but usually I feel, people change and grow, move on, and let go. Well except in my case.

Given the fact that I have this innate ability to see past it all, simply, for the sake of letting go of it all.  Well, that leads to all sorts of people coming back into my life from my inability to hold grudges.

No, really. To this day, there is only ONE person in my whole life that I can honestly say I would never allow back in my life. Even then, I maintain a peaceful relationship with this person, in order to maintain amicable dealings as sadly, I can't get rid of him.... no, I won't tell you who.

That being said, friends, ex-friends, ex-boyfriends, etc. All of them, if at some point came back and said "you know what SLM, I was in a bad place then, and it was an immature mistake",  I would at the very least allow them back in my life to some extent, even if just as an acquaintance.

Part of it I know, has to do with my inability to let go of people, the other part of it, is my promise to myself that I would never hold a grudge again.

When my BFF was murdered, we were not on speaking terms. I was upset with her for several reasons and irritated with her recent life decisions. I was judging her. You should judge no one. The guilt of never having forgiven her before she passed was something I have spent lots of time on psychologist's couches trying to overcome.

In my head, I kept thinking that if I had not been so stern, and more soft, perhaps I could have helped her in some way. This experience changed me. I know we all have them, life experiences that forever change us.

So when I look around my life now and I continue to wonder why people that were no good in my life, come back, I automatically give them the benefit of the doubt, and logic that they have realized that I was a good person in their life, or that they made a mistake.

I love it. To be honest with you. I love that people can grow and change, just like I did. That we can let go of animosity for the sake of living a life better spent on positivity and letting go of resentments. It truly is how things should be.

Live life freely and share that love with equal liberty.

I reflect at times and think myself silly really. I allow people back that truly, don't deserve to be. I know it. But I always rather be the better person, knowing that I did the right thing even if for a philosophy only I follow.

I don't care that everyone may not be this way. I like to be the exception. That I give too freely, yes, I do that too, but it is me, and some things should never change.

It's only when people don't learn that it hurts. I feel in some weird way responsible for their inability to grow. I suppose I expect that people will learn from their mistakes. That through our release of animosity and resentment, they will realize how life shouldn't be this way... and yet, as we all know, we can only control ourselves.

It's disheartening at times, to see people be so mean to each other, so vile, and so incredibly selfish. I guess we are all fighting our own growth struggle...

At some point I am sure it will all come to a balance, but for now, I continue to be everyone's friend, and nobody's someone.

I shouldn't care so much. Ugh.
~ Cheers-SLM

The truth is... people can't handle it.

It has been months. In fact, the last time we met, it was 2013 and I was in a dark, dark place. I stayed away. Purposefully. It seems that no matter how well I write my words, no matter how I share my life, someone will always find a way to find something offensive/annoying/wrong with how I live it... yes my life. 

I remember long ago, Mr. Buttcrumbus once advised me not to care. "Someone will always judge you, so why limit content and topics?" I grew up with a Mexican mom who constantly reminded me how I shouldn't give a... 

I would share the saying, but it's a Spanish saying riddled with mostly profanities. 

The fact is they are right. Reality is, some people just can't handle my truth. 

My life choices don't affect anyone but myself and my daughter. And yet, we all feel the incessant need to have an opinion on how others should manage their lives....as if we had any clue how to manage our own. Oy vey. 

And even if we did! Say... you were the owner of the world's best managed life, career, and love life, you would still have absolutely no insight into anyone else's troubles... so why judge them? 

Do we seek comfort in trying to fix, or suggest fixes for other people's problems? Or perhaps is it, that we find it fortifying and positive that we are able to say we are above one another? That our choices are better than theirs? I include myself because at times, I too, have been guilty of this. 

We can't handle the truth. It is unsettling. Whether it be our own, or somebody else's. T ruth is uncomfortable for all parties involved. It is why many of you sit in your miserable relationships, or at your dead end job trying to "make the best of it." 

Sounds harsh doesn't it? It is... just the truth. 

People do really sit in their desk jobs, annoyed as can be, hating every single day because they want to simply be "stable". Those comments may sting. But they will only sting if they are partly true. 

I know it because I was there. 

I was sulking in a marriage 4 years after I knew very well that I was not happy. Living with someone who I knew was a great dad, but not a great husband. I was working for a job that made sense for security and benefits reasons, but which I despised waking up to. I was disgruntled with what my truth had become...Unhappy.

So I made the conscious decision to make changes... some people have gone as far as calling me courageous. Because I had the "guts," the "will," to change things. And yet, some of those people judge me for the same. I don't pretend to be naive. I understand we will all be judged to some extent. What is surprising to me however, is how many people are scared to handle their OWN truth. 

I suppose at times it is easier to live a lie. Isn't it?

It is nice to wake up and tell yourself that what your current reality is, will be as good as it can get. That what your choices have led to, are what have been the best for your life. And that where you are, or where you are going is just where you should be. 

But are you being honest? 

Have you handled your truth? Or are you lying to yourself to make the plan fit? 

No one, not me, nor your friends, mom, sister, cousin, uncle or even your psychologist can tell you what you that... only you know that. 

Truth is not supposed to be an easy topic. But it shouldn't be a topic that destroys you either. What it should do, is keep you honest. When you accept your truth, you start to understand how silly it is to judge others. When you err on the side of understanding instead of just expressing, you gain an innately higher empathy for the people like me who openly share for communication and self expression. 

Let's stop tearing each other down and focus on building each other up.

Regardless of whether you agree with me or not. What I write, is my way of keeping myself honest. How I traverse my life, is my choice. How I fail, will be my fate alone. I promise you, I will likely call myself silly later when I have matured beyond this phase. But for now. I love facing my truths... no matter how uncomfortable they may be. 

Care to do the same?

~Cheers
SLM

The Download (Part 2)

The strum of a single guitar soothes me now.

And yet, every single pluck of the string seems as though it resonates with every inch of pain that clouts me.

Yesterday, I spoke on the very reality of how amazing my life has been. It's important to focus on the positive.

The truth is, it has been absolutely magnificent, and this past Monday, it all catapulted into something I was sure I wouldn't experience again.

After a long day of work, dropping off the, then boyfriend at his mom's house, and returning home for some dreaded homework, I opened up my Facebook.

It had been months since I had a computer at home. Most of my updates were iPhone originated and so having a full screen was exciting. Except instead of a sign on screen, my boyfriends profile popped up and so did a message from a woman, almost instantaneously.

I have since grown up from my snooping days, but her message read flirty, and it stung.

I know I shouldn't have, and as my mouse's arrow scrolled over to the messages button I even questioned if I really wanted to know. The stress of it all swelled in my neck and upper back. The pressure was building and as I sat there for what seemed like forever, I decided, if there was nothing to hide, I would find nothing.

Big Mistake.

I sit here now, trying to make sense of it all in my head. What I read, what I saw, what I wish I could truly erase. At that moment, the shock of it all held me. Stoic.

What could I possible do? Confront him? Say something? And then what? Was this... it?

I read on, message after message with more than one woman. Please God, no. This isn't happening.

I searched the screen as though at some point I would see that the dates were old, that the messages were dated and I could find an excuse to make this justifiable, excusable, reasonable. Nothing.

The last message, September 3rd. Sigh.

I had prayed recently. I had asked God, that if he wasn't the man for me, to show me that he wasn't.

Here I was praying again for it all not to be true.

Had I excused the red flags?

Had I turned away from the likely signs?

The truth is, I tried with every ounce of my being to play fair.

I didn't question anything. I gave him his space. We are all adults after all. Aren't we?

Respect. I explained it many times to him. I explained that it was my one condition. Respect me, and all will be fine. But what bigger disrespect than to talk to, and court other women regardless of the medium.

I wish I could tell you that I am certain right now of how I feel about it all, but the closest resemblance to certainty I have at this moment, is the fact that I know that my baby is in bed, as I type away tears are swelling in my eyes.

99% of his belongings still sitting in my living room packed and ready to be thrown, burned, transported, god only knows.

What's more, I know that I've been so busy lately with school and work that the day sweeps by and then I am home, stoic, and recounting every single key stroke, every name, every conversation over and over again in my head.

My somewhat morose and candid posts on social media have given clue to my friends that things are off and so my closest friends continue to reach out and I, have... no... words. I just can't.

I wish I could be angry. I wish I could have the audacity to burn his belongings, and shred every single thing to pieces like he did to my heart. But I am not that person.

I am certain that like many other scorned women, I have a deep sense of loss and blame. I know you will argue that I have no reason to feel it, but I wasn't enough for him.

I gave him everything. I loved him.

Tuesday I woke up after two hours of sleep with eyes that looked like I had been punched. Tomorrow, will be the same. Nothing makeup and smile can't fix right?

No one, will have the words that will shake this from me. No one will bring me out of it. Only I can do that. I learned it through my divorce, I know it now. Friends and family can provide temporary distractions, but when the night falls there is no escaping your thoughts.

It's all part of the motions. This too shall pass I suppose.

And like so many of my friends say, it was better to find out now. Right?

Yes. I suppose. I could argue though... is there truly ever a good time to find out that someone isn't who you thought they were?

Is there ever a good time to realize that the person you love with every ounce in your being doesn't love you the same way back? I get it, I am being negative and emotional....

Hey! I am allowed to be, it has been two days.

The details of this relationship's demise will continue to stay between this person and myself. He won't be getting a "Mr." name either, some people don't deserve anything more from me.

I play fair, even when the cards aren't in my favor. Even when the other player cheats blatantly. I won't aim for revenge. I won't trash or sell his belongings. I won't buy in to the crazy ex-girlfriend stigma that some men constantly use to depict women in such a way that isn't truly accurate.

I will however, hold my head high knowing that I gave it my best shot.

You will all say it is his loss, yet there are no winners here.

Facebook should have a relationship failure statistic. Seriously though, it might help to dissuade cheaters. Ha! Who am I kidding. Fools. All of you who do this.

Hell yeah I am bitter- deal with it.

Sweet Dreams ~ SLM