Latina on Fire

Have you ever seen a Latina on fire? 

Well, you are about to. 

You see, I always try to keep it classy. I always choose to take the high road in any and all situations. To be, that person that can walk around with her head held high in the air because there is no shame in my game. No shame, in my stance. But much more importantly, having the maturity to handle a situation with enough pause to know that reactionary and impulsive responses to less than deserving individuals isn't warranted. 

However, there are exceptions. Because you see, I will argue, that it is an absolute travesty, that some people can go around life, playing nothing more than a selfish role in life. That no matter what good they preach, what good they seem to portray, their true intents are never so serving. 

Because well really, I hate going in circles so I will have it out. Sr. ButtCrumbus is... 

You know what? I won't even go there!

Rather, I will explain the series of events that led me to this vent day. Because through my eyes, through my words, and my emotion, you will see how incredibly difficult this "friendship" has been. 

From the start, this friend of mine, was obviously more than that! The occasional and casual flirt on a photo here, a message there, let to full on hours long discussions and chats about life, love, and our pursuits. Our similarities and preferences undeniably alike, formed what would become the last 3+ months of which I will shortly share with you today. 

You see, Mr. Peppermint as I will call him for my own reasons... Never failed to have the right words. He was sweet, charming, and absolutely incredibly intelligent, the sexiest part if you ask me! Haha! 

And yet, there was a sort of constant inaccessibility factor for him. Always. 

When he came back to San Diego, it was me who was there to receive him. Bright eyed, ecstatic, and nervous beyond belief. Sitting in my car watching him float through airport pedestrian traffic, him. It was as if, time stopped the moment he was in sight. 

I remember dropping him off that day where he would be staying, and thinking nothing would ever come of this, of him with me, no... Us. So I set up a wall! I mean after all, he would be gone sooner than we would be able to even form anything! So there was no sense in getting any hopes up! "Might as well squash them now SLM" I would say to myself. 

I stayed on this track for the most part, with the resolve that I would enjoy whatever time I had with him. He was fun to be around. He was funny, and just got me, so why not? He was my FRIEND after all! 

So I continued to see him. 

And then, there were plans. And then, he wouldn't show. And then, a great night out. And then, another no show. And then came more plans! And then, the last no show! A trip to big bear, and nothing. 

I remember that day as if it was right now, in slow motion. That morning I woke up early. I got dressed and did my hair. He always said he loved my hair... And to surprise him, I had recently darkened it! Ughhh

I stopped for gas, made a stop at the tire shop (I wanted to make sure we would be safe), and then I called on arrival. One call, two calls, three. No answer? Hmmm that's odd! Checked my text messages... Last text message was last night at 9pm... "Can't wait for tomorrow" 

Hmmmmm

I remember time stopping. I called my BFF and asked what to do. She told me to stay positive and wait outside, then knock on the door. His blinds, closed. 

Ten, twenty, and then forty-five minutes later, I decided that was enough. I pulled out of my car, marched to the door and knocked. Nothing. Pushed a call button, and Manager shows up...

"Can I help you?"

"Hi! I'm looking for Mr. Peppermint? He is in this room up here?" pointing directly above me. 

The man asked me to wait as he went on to knock. He came back, and I knew from his face and tone that there was no luck. I walked away in disbelief... 

This hadn't been the first, not the second, but the third time he had let me down. I drove to the embarcadero... parked and took a deep breath which released weeks of frustration and confusion! Gahhhh! What the FUUUUUUU???? 

That day was brutal. Absolutely no other way to put it. I remember my friend asked me to meet her for lunch... And the whole time, I kept sifting through the events of the day... Stoic.

When I tell you that there were no words. I mean it. I had none. I couldn't understand how the same person who took me for a walk on the bluffs of La Jolla and Sushi dinner just days before, was the same person that had done this. How the person who did air guitars with me at karaoke, twirled and dipped me in a bar, and made me feel like I was the only person in the room, was the same person who at this point made me hurt the most. It was irreconcilable! 

I went on to find out, a family member had passed. And while I am not quite sure why a phone call wasn't even warranted, I excused it, and decided to proceed with even more caution. 

In the following weeks, things would almost get back to Normal. We would chat here and there, exchange I miss you's and wish you were here's, all with the promise that he would be back in a matter of weeks. 

He had finished his training (the reason for his San Diego trip) and would likely never return! I just kept it in the back of my mind. He may never come back. 

So my heart, kept hope.

My heart, is stupid. 

Today, is Saturday, January 26, 2013. 

On Thursday, Mr. Peppermint sent me the following via message on FB:

Now you will imagine my surprise... 

Mr. Peppermint had always joked that he wanted to marry me. But this was different. It read, felt, and sounded different. Unlike a joke. It wasn't followed by a Haha. There was no LOL to make me think otherwise... 

Suddenly all of the talks about us moving here, or moving there, or getting a ranch, all of it, flashed before me... Was he joking then!? 

OMG! 

I was smiling from ear to ear. Then I realized I knew better than to get all giddy. So I responded that I could hardly accept a Facebook proposal... And then it happened again... 

Silence. For over 24 hours. When he finally did respond, it was as if nothing had happened. It was random, odd, and quite honestly infuriating! I had spent all night wondering what would make him say/do this? Was he drunk? Was he being impulsive? Was he joking? Stupid joke if you ask me. 

I sent him a lengthy message explaining how all this hot cold action was really confusing and exhausting. How really, I didn't understand his intent, and more importantly, how I didn't deserve it. 

I have never done anything to warrant anything bad from him. In fact, I am pretty sure the opposite is true! When he was in SD and had no food, I was there with a plate or groceries. When he needed something, I was there. Perhaps this was my mistake. 

I asked him, no, begged him to be honest and not hold back. I asked him to tell me his thoughts on us just going our separate ways. 

No response. 

Its now Friday...imagine this

I am taking a break from being at the emergency room waiting to see my grandmother who was just transported to the hospital by ambulance.

I bring up Facebook to update my cousins on the matter and find that Mr. Peppermint was tagged by a woman noting that it had been "the best night with the best guy!" What the HELL? 

What's more, the comments! Comments talking about the beautiful and happy couple. Well! 

If I had ever been at a loss for words... This moment topped them. I laughed. Literally. Laughed, out loud, long and hard before coming to a stop on tears. Tears that wouldn't stop. 

Marry you? MARRY YOU? Does she know about me? Does she know that you just posted 27 love songs to my wall just three days ago? Does she know? 

WHAT

THE

FUCK! 

I usually keep this blog pretty swear word free but nothing explains this moment, but those three simple words. 

I need not tell you, I have still heard nothing... Well because, you already know. 

The things I know at this point, are that I deserve so much more. I am an amazing woman. I have more love to give than he was ready for, and more importantly,  this is his loss and not mine. 

Now I know, these are cheesy, almost expected lines to say. But you know what guys? They are true. 

This IS his loss.

He lost a person that would have never given up on him. 

He lost a person that believed him, no matter what. 

A person that trusted him whole heartedly and wanted only what was best for him. 

A person who loved him so much that she was willing to let him go, so that he could figure out what he wanted to do with his life.

Selflessness friends, doesn't always get you what you want. It definitely doesn't fight for you, or have your best interest in mind. 

But what it does have, is the innate ability to make you feel like you did your best. You gave of you, unselfishly, lovingly, and more importantly, without regard for your own heart. 

It was my fault.

I should have been less hopeful. But I choose to believe today, I choose to believe tomorrow, and some day, when the right man, of TRUE and honest values, comes along, I will know what true and mutual unconditional love is. 

Have a great weekend y'all! I am off to see my Abuela. 

Cheers- SLM :-*

In the Zone… the FRIEND ZONE.

It is a recognized fact that no matter which way you put it, they say that MEN, cannot be a real, unbiased, friend to a woman. That no matter what, at some point, that man, wanted to, wants to, or will want to, have something to do with that woman.

Men would argue that women are the ones that will always have "feelings". I would argue, that women are the ones most likely to leave someone in the friend zone, where they sometimes belong.

In fact, I recall not so long ago having seen a video blog on You Tube that asked this very same question.

Can men and women be simply friends, just like two men, or two women?  Here's the link, check it out for yourselves!

I can see why this dynamic could work! I mean, let’s think about this…. You are a single male, or a single female and are actively dating other people. Like the rest of us, you have questions about your interactions with any and all potentials. Your Opposite sex BFF can provide you with that alternative perspective that isn’t that of your gender specific limitation.

It works!

But what happens when in fact you do grow feelings for this person because they are in fact your "friend". You can be yourself around this person, and yet, you are just in the dreaded…

“FRIEND ZONE”

What to do? Don’t fret! You see the only problem here is hiding it! This is your friend after all. If you have started to have feelings for them, SAY SOMETHING! If you don’t you are just putting yourself in this random and awkward situation where you will have to  hide your emotions, feelings, and constant ardent admiration from afar as other people take a stab at what you know you could be doing better.

Why? Well because you know them. DUHHHHH

You already know what they want and don’t want. You have a hand up on the competition. You go YOU!

Well then there is the other friend zone. The one that doesn't start that way. The one that started as a influx of feelings that perhaps got iced for a myriad of other reasons. Whatever the case, you are now in an awkward "What are we Zone." Both of you is too scared to discuss it because the truth is, it just isn't an easy conversation to have. Someone on this boat just isn't cutting it, and is about to walk the plank.

If this is you, let me first say, I understand how you feel. I feel your pain, i feel your desperation.

Why? well because I am in this same scenario RIGHT NOW. I am in a friend zone with ButtCrumb. Sigh. I have tried it, going out on dates, shaking him out of my brain, all with failed success. I realize

I'm seeming like a joke right about now, right? Telling you just a couple of sentences ago how and what you should do if you are in the friend zone. But the truth is, I am only telling you what I would do. And I wouldn't be writing today, if I hadn't spoken up yet.

Ahhhhh I bet you didn't expect that did you! HAHA! Listen, this isn't about who they are, what they do to you, or how they make you feel. This is about what you are willing to accept.

So stop to ask yourself today. What do YOU want. Because we all have the ability to love.

Sure, love is different from relationship to relationship, but the pervasive selfless kind of love, that grows, and is humble, the good kind, that grows life long unions is one that is kind, patient, and loving... duh! HAHA!

No seriously though. In my case, I suppose I've chosen to just be me. And being me, means I have to do me. I will continue my life as it is. Busy, crazy, fun filled, and sometimes ever depressing, knowing that if he wanted me, he could have me. All I can do, is be me. 

If he likes me for me, wants me for me, he will make it happen, for us. 

Because truly, deep down inside, we all just want to be accepted for who we are and as we are. Sarcastic, witty, dorky, funny, silly, and sometimes downright air headed. No matter who you are, or what defines you, that friend is around because they enjoy YOU. So if they don't want to take that to the next level, that doesn't mean that someone else won't. So tell them how you feel! What do you risk? Love? Shame on you for not trying!

Cheers Friends! ~SLM

P.S. Just because your friend may not want you, doesn't mean your prince/princess isn't watching you smile ;) So shake it off, square off those shoulders and remember that you are perfectly imperfect just as you are, Today.