Bruised Ego, Beaten Heart

This weekend was a good one. I was at the ranch all three days. I didn’t actually stay there, but managed to make my way there all three days, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

Saturday, my mother’s best friend celebrated her birthday with a small party, that ended up being big!

In preparation, Friday, a sheep was killed for the Birria which would be cooked underground in a fire pit (It’s the best way). On our way, I casually mentioned to munchkin that we had killed a sheep to which she exclaimed “NISGUSTING MOM.”  Haha, oh the perils of motherhood.  With my kid, and my roommates kids in tote, we were off to the ranch around 6pm.

My roommates eldest is in her “Questions Stage”, on my drive I'm sure I got at least 25 questions from her. Questions that included “Why are we going to the ranch,” “What are we going to do there,” and “Why is it getting dark now?” She is so funny! Almost prior to arrival, my munchkin turns to me and says, “Mom so we are going to get guns and kill the sheep?” I gasp! Is that what she envisioned? My poor daughter, I thought to myself! I'm traumatizing the poor girl! “No honey” I explained, “Grandma and Grandpa, did it already and they did not use a gun.” She sighed and dismissed me.

Saturday was a whirlwind day, but at 7pm we were at the ranch, eating the delicious birria, and listening to banda! Rocking my two sizes smaller jeans, and a leaopard print blouse, and of course, my nine west cowboy boots, I am walking with an umpf in my step and holding no prisoners!

Everyone comments and notices my weight loss, making my sacrifices well worth it! I am feeling good. My red lips give me an extra sense of feminine and as my eyes meet with his, I am sure he is stunned.

Mr. Cowboy and I have for the past two years had an interesting romantic situation.  It’s odd. We come together, then drift apart, then come together again, then drifted again. It’s like we both don’t know whether we are what each other wants. He is rocking a white cowboy shirt with brown shoulders, lean fit jeans, and of course cowboy hat and boots, Hotttttt! Ughhhh! I approach for the typical Hispanic kiss on the cheek and he shifts ever more slightly, planting a half kiss on my cheek, half on my lips. Not gonna lie, my insides were a flurry.  He is sooooo sexy. Ha!

At this point, my blood is rushing, my heart is beating out of control, and I can’t think of anything but his lips. He walks away and I continue my hello’s through the rest of the people there, knowing some, introducing myself to others.  I turn, and Mr. Cowboy has disappeared. Ughhhh.

Earlier that week, when we had met for dinner, we discussed him coming to the ranch today and he sounded excited and wanting to hang out with me. My expectations were high.

It wasn’t until much later in the night that he reemerged doing the typical macho Mexican man thing of hanging out with the guys, while the women sit and chat. Annoying.

He would pass by one way, then the other, my eyes, never leaving his stroll. "DAMMIT, why doesn’t he come talk to me?"  

I start drinking more aggressively.  Merlot was my friend for the night. A cheap Australian wine, but my favorite nonetheless. Eventually he strolls by and I call to him. The alcohol, has made me brave. I ask him outright. “What is up with you today?” To which he grabs a chair and sits next to me.  “Nothing, why?” he asks. Like an idiot I say “Well because you’ve talked to everyone tonight, and haven’t spent any time with me, or even talked to me! It’s like you don’t know me and everyone here knows that there is something between us!” he stares blankly at me and responds “I’m sorry, I’ve just been enjoying my night, I have no reason to ignore you, You are my friend”. WHAT THE... 

My dad walks over to me asking me to go pick up some cigarettes form the store. After a short exchange about cars, and my inability to drive, he turns to Mr. Cowboy and says, “You take her!” Mr. Cowboy obliges and we are on our way. His “friend” comment irritated me so much, I was fuming. 

When we arrived at the nearby Pilot Gas Station, I ask him to get off. I had forgotten my wallet. I didn’t have my ID. He starts arguing with me. I dismiss his sorry excuses and went myself. He follows me in. I turn to him and snip “Why did you get off now?” He smiles, knowing i'm irritated and just nods his head as the clerk is ready for me to tell him what I want. I ask him, pay him, hand Mr. Cowboy the cigarettes. He says nothing.

I can be such a drama queen.

We are back on our way, the cold air that hits me when leaving the convenience store has now made me slightly dizzy and feeling more intoxicated. But, the irritation continues to grow. I finally word vomit “What do you want from me?” He turns shocked, and calmly asks, “What do you mean?” I say, “You call me, and then don’t, you want to hang out and then you go weeks without talking to me. Your uncles call me niece, I just keep getting mixes signals from you, and I don’t know what you want from me!”

He swallows, and says “A friendship.” 

I say "REALLY? So you just want to be friends then?" 

He laughs, he knows I’m intoxicated. I’m sure I’ve slurred some of the words.  FAIL.

He stays quiet. I turn to him and with every ounce of self pride put toward the back of my mind, I say “Te Quiero” which in Spanish means I care about you. His response… “I appreciate that” trust me when I say, this sounded so much more messed up in Spanish.

I was FURIOIUS!

Why the mixed signals then? Why not just grow up, be a man, and say that he doesn’t think we are going anywhere? WHY? I felt stupid. Stupid for telling him that I care, stupid for giving him that much, stupid for putting myself out there. My ego, was now bruised yet again. My heart, falling apart.

We got back to the ranch, handed my dad his cigarettes and asked him to stop his constant teasing about Mr. Cowboy. I explained that nothing would ever happen between us and that we are no longer going to be romantically linked. I couldn’t hold back my tears.

My feelings of exasperation with my romantic failures were evident and I crumbled. 

My dad apologized and started to try and bring me back, reminding me that the man of my dreams was somewhere, just not in my line of sight just yet. 

Sunday, I spent the day recovering from my drinking, dancing, and disillusionment with the events of the night prior. 

As I drove home from the ranch, the sun was warm, and dusk was on the horizon… the air was warm but crisp. I felt like I was getting an “Everything is going to be alright” from  God and I felt renewed. I really did. I smiled and drove home. I spent the rest of my evening cuddling with my baby girl, reading about 8 more chapters of Fifty Shades of Grey, and we both fell asleep on the couch.

The truth is, my daddy is right. Mr. Forever is around somewhere. He just hasn’t made his way to me. I am patiently waiting for you my love! <3 Cheers- SLM